Cancer Cure 'A Waste of Time' say Dragons Den gurus

Medical scientist Dr Wilbur Wilberface thought his idea was really quite useful.

"It's a cure for all cancers", he explained. "Basically, I've found a way to cure people without the use of expensive drugs".

Initially the Dragons in BBC's 'Dragon's Den' were impressed. Dr Wilberface's clinical trials have gone well, and his techniques seemed revolutionary. However, the Dragons soon found the flaw in his business model, when he explained that medical techniques are not patentable.

"How the f**k can you make money then?" asked one irate Dragon. They were also unimpressed with the doctor's dress sense - he chose to pitch his idea in 'smart casual' clothes, which is a clear no-no - the Dragons refuse to do business with anybody not wearing a suit, for reasons which have never been adequately explained.

“He really did a poor pitch”, explained a BBC insider. “First, he was nervous. The Dragons don’t like nerves. They expect everybody else to be as cocksure as themselves, which must make for a lot of disappointment in life. Then he didn’t have a clue about making money. There really isn’t any point in curing cancer if it doesn’t make money. We’ve had loads of no-hopers pitching ways to save the planet, cut greenhouse emissions, blah blah bloody blah – they all get the boot. Finally, he seemed reluctant to give them his house, his rather attractive daughter and the right to claim themselves as the inventor. If he’d spent more time watching telly instead of inventing smells in his laboratory, he’d know that this is the minimum commitment required.

Dr Wilberface left the studio in tears. He later explained to gozzy-eyed presenter Evan Davis that this was something of a last resort. “Normally, you apply to the Medical Research Council for funding, but they’re really nasty too. Last time I went they accused me of being smelly, and somebody flicked snotballs at me throughout my lecture. I thought the Dragons Den might be less intimidating. I can’t afford a TV so I didn’t really know what to expect”.

The concept behind Dragons Den is simple. The BBC invites inexperienced entrepreneurs from council estates to make a sales pitch, and then 5 top business gurus intimidate the shit out of them as a prelude to ‘negotiating’ astonishing levels of equity, in front of TV cameras. A recent Google search for ‘post traumatic stress disorder’ found more than 6,000 references to Dragons Den.

The latest BBC pitch for Dragon's Den says it all : "Got a brilliant business idea? Scared of public speaking? Don’t mind giving it away for tuppence and a go in a swivel chair? Contact Dragons Den - you've nothing to lose but your patent. Oh, and the business you've spent the last three years building"

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