Computer Glitch Puts Hollywood Kids in Care

In a shock move yesterday, Beverley Hills social workers raided the homes of several leading actors and actresses, acting on instructions from a computerised ‘expert system’ used to identify children at risk.

“The expert system had been a great success up to this point”, said social worker Terri Jones. “The system alerts you when a combination of risk factors has been identified. You know the sort of thing : rottweiler, massive TV, family on welfare, line dancing. Stuff like that.

“One of the key triggers is forename. Kids with exotic names are put on the ‘At Risk’ register automatically. Any child named after a place, an inanimate object or given a wholly fabricated name is automatically followed up. It's just plain common sense : these are the names we see in court day after day. We were even thinking of fast-tracking these kids straight to jail - would have saved a lot of time. They're fucking doomed anyway.

"But when the system was implemented in Beverley Hills, it just went haywire. We thought we had a pedophile ring going on. It didn't help that some of the parents had listed occupation as 'thespian', which sounds a little dodgy to me”.

Social Workers found extreme forename violations throughout the Beverley Hills area. “It’s sick, that’s what it is”, said Ms Jones. “Forename abuse is child abuse, plain and simple. These people should be locked up for what they done”.

Woody Allen was unavailable for comment today.