Smoking to Become New Olympic Sport

Each host nation adds a new sport to the Olympic repertoire. America added ‘Drive-By Small Bore Marksmanship’ at the 1984 Los Angeles Games (and took Gold); China is to introduce ‘Squashing Students with Tanks’ in 2008 and London has now unveiled its own choice for 2012 : smoking.

“Smoking is part of British culture”, announced Tessa Jowell, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Bingo “and we should celebrate our cultural achievements. This country gave the world Shakespeare, Elgar, Chas'n'Dave. From 2007 smoking will be banned in British pubs and restaurants, and there are concerns that this might discourage young people from taking up this fascinating and enriching hobby”

Supporters of smoking were overjoyed at the news. Arthur King, from F.O.R.E.S.T, a British pro-smoking lobby group, took time off from his radiotherapy treatment to speak to reporters.

“This is a great day for British smoking. Smoking is a traditional pastime, just like golf, or darts. You don’t hear about golf being banned in pubs, do you?

"Many of our members tell me that smoking is their only pleasure, but the killjoys in so-called government want them to stop. Give up their only pleasure! What’s next? A wanking ban? Swastikas on the town hall? Will we all have to learn to speak foreign? When Britain was a nation of smokers – and I mean real smokers now, not your 20 a day filter-tipped pansies – we ruled the world. And we managed it all in black and white. Is this a coincidence? Well, is it? Hmm? Wibble.

“Without the Olympics, smoking could die out in Britain – what a tragic loss that would be. This once-proud nation of smokers reduced to namby pamby vegetarian big brother nanny state ponces. I just wish I could be here to take part myself, but they’ve only given me three weeks”.